The Stepford Mom

A while ago one of my friends had a facebook post that went something like this:

“Other people complain about how hard being a mom is but I love it. I’m so good at it and it gives me purpose and meaning every day.”

Um… wut.

It kind of offended me. How dare you pretend like motherhood is easy? IT IS HARD, OK! EVERY DAY. QUIT BEING ALL HAPPY.  And the post was accompanied by a pic of her looking super cute, of course. Why isn’t your hair a mess? Why aren’t you crying on the floor next to dirty piles of laundry?

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but this post stuck with me for a while. I was mad about it.

It pulled at something deep inside of me - I knew I wanted to feel this way, too, but I didn’t. Every day was a struggle and some days I was wondering why I ever thought more than one kid was a good idea.

I began to realize that I had an unhealthy view of motherhood. Motherhood, to me, meant being a frantic mess at home and counting down the hours for my husband to come home. Motherhood meant being stressed about money and being covered in spit up and running on fumes. It meant feeling depressed sometimes (or a lot of times) because I had forgotten who I was, or didn’t have time to think about it.

But I wanted more. I knew I deserved more. So I began to wonder what it would take to feel the same way about motherhood that my friend did.

How could I find happiness and peace in the midst of chaos? How could I redefine my life to experience more joy and fulfillment? How could I be more kind-hearted and loving toward my kiddos even on a bad day?

All of these questions were building on an even deeper series of questions that had been going on in my head for a while. How do I stay healthy and take care of myself? What does a healthy lifestyle even look like?

A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Alopecia Areata. It is an unpredictable disease without a known cause or cure and results in hair loss - partial or total, depending on the severity. It started gradually but eventually spread to where I couldn’t wear my hair down without sporting bald patches. I even bought a few wigs. And just this week my husband Scott reminded me I had actually talked about shaving my head during the worst of it. I wanted to be in control of how I looked, and it had gotten to a point where I never knew what I would see when I looked in the mirror each morning. I thought if I shaved my head, at least I would know what to expect.

This was a very hard thing to deal with, especially as a woman. I really began to understand just how much of my identity was wrapped up in my hair and outward appearance.

I dealt with continual hair loss for about a year and a half before things started turning around, and I learned a lot about doctors and American medicine in the process. There are very few doctors out there who will even touch autoimmune disease. Many doctors, after hearing what I was there for, would say, “I’m sorry. What else can I help you with?” Autoimmune diseases are unpredictable monsters with few to no answers about how to get rid of them. I was left feeling alone and helpless.

I read and researched and read some more - working hard on my own to find answers. And although it’s been a long and sometimes lonely struggle, I have made some giant leaps forward in caring for myself and learning how to live a healthy lifestyle. I am grateful to God for being with me through this trial and teaching me that my value does not lie in my physical appearance, and that true joy and fulfillment comes from living a life full of love - for myself and for those in my life.

But back to our stepford mom!

Why did her post make me so uncomfortable? Why did I want to be her so badly? Was she telling the truth? Was she really happy? (I feel like I’m writing a Central Market ad - “Are you really into being a mom? I mean REALLY into it? Does changing diapers get you higher than a mother? Is nursing the breast thing that ever happened to you? Then join us for the Stepford Moms of the World meeting this Saturday).

After doing some soul searching, reading, setting goals, and learning from other mamas, I’m here to tell you that I think she speaks truth. Being a mom is a gift that can be enjoyed every day - not just during naptime (why is naptime SO amazing? I mean, I would consider giving up tickets to see JT for a good naptime. Not saying I would totally do it. But I would seriously think about it. And that's saying something). We can find new energy and love for ourselves, and create a lifestyle that makes us want to jump out of bed in the morning and laugh because of how awesome our day is going to be.

I’m serious!

Come with me on this journey. I'm working on a book called Momming is Hard: A Judgment-Free Guide to Health and Happiness, and I would LOVE for you to be alongside me. I'll be posting chapter snippets here along with other helpful mom resources.

But before we go any further, here are our three guiding mom rules that will carry us through our journey to renewed health and happiness:

1. Give yourself lotsa lotsa grace.

2. Accept and honor yourself where you are at today.

3. Love yourself as much as you can.

More to come on how to implement these guiding thoughts into your life soon.

For now, I'd love to hear from you! Moms - when are you the happiest? Share your thoughts below!

You are heard, you are loved, and together we can kick some serious mom butt!

Tay